August 10, 2007
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Flip's Hole: Rabbi Dombitz-1
Flip DeGaetano look alike Mike MazurkiFlip's Hole: Dombitz' Kosher Cat Food-1
It was our usual Summer. The weather had gone from frigid to obscenely hot, and all in a short time. People were sneezing from the colds that came with the sudden and unexpected change. How did women, God bless them, react? They wore their Summer clothes, even with pneumonia. Breasts were more visible as were legs. It was an idiot's delight, if you enjoy the sight of women. Flip's Hole was no exception, and our resident idiot was faring rather poorly with Lori DeGaetano, the one woman in all the world who would not wear skirts because they made her look fat. Buddy Taub was employing reason with her, or what passed for reason in Buddy's infantile mind.
"You'd look great in a mini-skirt," Buddy opined.
"You'd look even better in a coffin," said Lori.
Right then and there any normal man would know enough to leave matters alone,but Buddy Taub was not a normal sort of man. He thrived best on rejection. In his mind it was only a matter of time before Lori gave in and accepted his lust for her. After all, Buddy Taub had much to offer a woman. Ah, he did, you ask? Well, not exactly. Let's just say that in Buddy's world it was not about what he could do for a woman, but more what she could do for him. Small wonder then that Buddy's bachelor days would string out into a life sentence.
"I'd die for a look at your legs," Buddy added thinking himself as witty as Shakespeare.
"If only, Buddy... if only...., " Lori added. "Hey, Pop, can I fix his next order of meat loaf? I want to season it for him."
Flip looked at the two of them and then at me. "Bart, do something. Control your woman, would you? She's arguing with my customers". This from Flip DeGaetano, a man who had never controlled wife or daughter in all his born days. I stared at him incredulously. If Flip didn't want to get involved in this I sure as hell did not. The arguing and cajoling went on for a pace. No other sit-down customers were in the Hole and Flip did some occasional take-out work through the window at the front of the store. Flip hated to work at the window on days like this. It was hot.
When Rabbi Dombitz appeared arm in arm with Lloyd Flahs the combination was enough to draw Flip's attention, especially from that front window. The good rabbi sat at the counter as far from Buddy Taub as was humanly possible. Buddy countered by moving closer.
"Rabbi, does the Bible say anything about women wearing short skirts?", asked Buddy.
Dombitz could only look in amazement. "Buddy, you're a good boy. Go drop dead, eh? When you get to Satan, tell him that Dombitz sent you. He'll have your room ready. It is a professional courtesy for all those I send to him." Taub, rejected on two fronts as regards the appearance of women in Summer, went back to his meal and started to pick at it.
"What'll it be, Rabbi?", asked Flip.
"What do you have that is cool?"
I was waiting for Buddy to pipe up and say Lori's name, but Flip gave a look to Buddy that kept him quiet.
"Cottage cheese and Jell-o?", said Flip. "You want something light and tasty, that's your best bet."
"Done", said Dombitz turning to his seatmate, "and how about you, Lloyd?". Flahs took the same order and the two men continued what was apparently quite a debate.
"No, ridiculous. Out of the question. Impossible. Never, and I might add, that this is final. Don't ask."
Lloyd Flahs was never one to take no for an answer. He was in marketing. Marketing people view "no" as the first step towards "yes". Impossible does not exist for them. The most foolish product in the world can be sold if only you find the right reason for someone to want it... at least that is what Lloyd once told me. Considering our political climate and those who occupy various elected offices I think Lloyd could be right.
"Rabbi, you know this makes sense. It is not foolish. It is pragmatic. If you don't agree someone else is going to, then all that revenue will be theirs and not yours. I am trying to help you. Just meet with the man. Listen to what he has to say. Give him your response if you insist, but let him make his case."
"Are you Jewish?", asked Dombitz.
"You know I am", said Lloyd. "What has that got to do with this?".
"Genug," said the Rabbi. "Do you know what 'genug' means? It means 'enough'. It means stop. It means 'don't continue!'".
"I know the word, but I've never considered it to be practical. No one ever has enough, Rabbi. They always need more, and so do you. If we ever have enough in this society the whole world will stop functioning. Be reasonable. Listen to this man and give him your answer."
"You want me, Rabbi Morris Dombitz, to listen to a man who wants to hire me as an authority? No. I am not an authority."
Flip and I were astounded. Rabbi Morris Dombitz not an authority? How could that ever be possible. The good Rabbi took credit for things that fell into his lap. How could he suddenly have an attack of modesty? It would be as shocking as Buddy Taub suddenly speaking with wisdom.
Flip served up the two plates of cottage cheese and interrupted the flow of conversation. It was the one thing needed to fill me in on the nature of the conversation that Dombitz and Flahs had been having. Dombitz explained it all to Flip and I just listened.
"Lloyd has a client named Kornbluth. Does Kornbluth have a company? No. Does Kornbluth have a job? No? What does Kornbluth have? An idea. He is a man with ideas. He is like a Hollywood scriptwriter who never wrote a single line and wouldn't know one if it bit him. He has a concept! An idea. This putz, who would not know how to breathe in and out if he had not taken lessons at a young age, wants to hire the great Rabbi Morris Dombitz! I tell you, it is an insult to even the intelligence of that human potato at the end of the counter."
"He has a great idea. You just won't listen. You are not only the great Rabbi Morris Dombitz, you are the stubborn Rabbi Morris Dombitz. The man wants five minutes of your time. Five minutes. You need longer to go to the bathroom, Rabbi. Why be so obdurate?"
"Five minutes for a Dombitz is nothing, I admit. For others such a time would be an eternity, I assure you. Yet in five minutes I can produce at least one very well formed bowel movement, a thing of beauty. What can Kornbluth give birth to? An idea? Ach, and such an idea! It is an insult."
"Not if you would give the man a fair hearing. Your mind may be closed now, but if you just listen to the man make his points, then you can say that your reply is based on a fair hearing of the matter. Be fair, Rabbi, that's all I am asking."
Lloyd Flahs knew well that the key word in his appeal had to be "fairness". The Rabbi prided himself on that above all other things. It was Lloyd Flahs' marketing strategy and one that worked... finally.
"Ach. Ok. I'll speak with him here tomorrow. Same time. Five minutes only. Tell him. He's got only five minutes of my precious time, which is like centuries to others. He should thank you for this, Lloyd. I am doing it only for you. Now leave me alone about it, because the answer will still be no!".
What was this epic meeting about to take place in Flip's Hole all about? That you will find out soon enough!
